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| for hada:
watching the Parade
Being in the Parade
fragments of the falling stars
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| some dumb things people say in the food business...no i didnt make these up... and YES they all piss me off to HIGH HEAVEN
"Is there any meat in the vegetarian plate?"
----no mam thats why its vegetarian
"Whats in the kung fu chicken?"
---we dont serve 'kung fu' chicken
"but it says right here...
---that says 'chicken curry'
"can I have a free soda"
---can I have a free dollar
"ooo did you make that one up"
--- yup
"gimme a dollar"
--- go away
"your food looks gross"
--- your face looks gross (okay I just WANTED to say that I didnt really)
"what are those things there"
--dumplings
"eeew, they look like something you would eat on the fear facotr. do you watch the fear factor?"
that last one just pisses me off because she gave a T.V.
show a fuckin article. reality tv shows dont deserve the best article
there is: "the" fucking hick.
also when people inspect the food infront of your face when you
serve it to them, or when they watch you like a hawk when you spoon
salad on to their plate...yeah that all pisses me off.
however when they leave tips and say "yum" then that usually makes me pee myslef with glee. maybe only democrats like our food?
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| oh mah gawd I know Im lame for not really posting. check out JensNemily
if you dont already. I post there about life a little more. but heres a
list thing I stole.
have you:
1.smoked a cigarette: yes, only when Im stressed
2.smoked a cigar: never able to get my hands on them
3.made out with a member of the same sex: one could say I prefer it... one COULD say
4.crashed a friend's car: not yet...mooha
5.stolen a car: I want to, I know how to start one with a salad fork!
6.been in love : maybe, Im not sure what love is anymore (<emo)
7.been dumped: never... I think
8.shoplifted: Im cheap....many times
9.been fired: nah. Im generally a pretty good worker.
10.been in a fight: violence is not the answer
11.snuck out of your house: me? NEVER *cough*
12.had feelings for someone who didnt have them back: unrequited sigh
13.been arrested: overexagerated with max fare checkers I suppose
14.made out with a stranger: yeah
15.gone on a blind date: if Jessica Denio counts
17.had a crush on a teacher: eew... although skrapits is pretty cute and kind
18.skipped
school: I lost my skipping virginity with Elise my freshman year...we went to coffee. Then I did it a few more times after.
19.slept with a co-worker: I WISH
20.seen someone die: no, but I walked away from a dying man in Nepal. so maybe sort of? He was pinned underneath a truck.
21.been on a plane: havent most people?
22.thrown up in a bar: I dont drink
23.taken painkillers: yeah, but not often, I get addicted to them kind of easily the hypochondriach that I wish I was
24.love someone or miss someone right now: sure
25.laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by: every day....well staring out a window anyways.
26.made a snow angel: it never snows here, but when it does you bet your ass I do
27.played dress ups: bitch please... I HOST the fuckin dress up parties
28.cheated while playing a game: I cheat all the time. dont play board games with me.
29.been lonely: whenever Im not around people and Im at my dads house.
there is no dog at my dads house. just silence and crazy neighburs
30.fallen
asleep at work/school: I could never stay awake in math. NEVER
31.used a fake id: god I want one of thoes
32.felt an earthquake: mmhmm.
33.touched a snake: yes. snakes are pretty cool untill the cut the circulation off your limbs, or pee on you
34.ran a red light: oh yesh yesh yesh in my hummer, many times
35.been suspended from school: nope
36.had detention: nah
37.been in a car accident: many
38.hated the way you look: yeah, but only when Im around emily. haha
39.witnessed a crime: whats a crime in oregon huh?
40.pole danced: gahhhhh.....never again
41.been lost: I always find my way...always
42.been to the opposite side of the country: D.C. and Bawlteemohe
43.felt like dying: nahh I like life too much
44.cried yourself to sleep: well THATS emo
45.played cops and robbers: oooo how I love roleplays
46.karaoke: no but I kinda want to.
47.done something you told yourself you wouldn't: I lie to everyone but my parents. Im sucha loser.
48.laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose: blood, only once in grade school.
49.caught a snowflake on your tongue: like i said it never snows here, but when It does I get all romantic and shit
50.kissed in the rain: not a real kiss
51.sing in the shower: Im like fuckin pavarotti in the shower bitches
52.made love in a park: teehehe once
53.had a dream that you married someone: I dont THINK so....um
54.glued your hand to something: who hasnt!
55.got your tongue stuck to a flag pole: god where do we live? COTTAGE GROVE! pish
56.worn the opposite sex's clothes: haha when Im feeling SUPER gay'ish sometimes Ill put on kashi's shorts or something
57.been a cheerleader: I helped my sister when she was in cheer camp. I think that counts. She has no spunk.
58.had sex on a roof top? oooooo I like the sound of that.
59.didn't take a shower for a week: NEVER
60.ever too scared to watch scary movies alone: NEVER, god I love scary movies
61.played chicken: what the hell?
62.been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on: Im on swim team
and one of the oldest kids...of course Ive been pushed into the pool.
63.been
told you're hot by a complete stranger: the escape is a dirty dirty place, which is why I continue to go back there.
64.broken a bone: no, Im a pussy. I never do anything that involves bone breaking. Im a swimmer for christs sake.
65.been easily amused: ooo shiny
66.laugh so hard you cry: every day, I find things to laugh about.
67. Flashed someone? nooooo, Ive been pant'zed though
68.cheated
on a test: Ive uh.... looked at somone elses test before like once.
Other than that I dont think Ive really ever CHEATED. I would though. I
dont have those cheating morals.
69.forgotten someone's name: Church Community, Grant high school
communities, Catlin Gabel communities, Gay community, Tango community.
Im bound to forget a few.
70.slept naked: I dont like it.
71.gone skinny dipping in a pool: hot tub
72.been kicked out of your house: no, but I kick myself out kind of frequently, but only for a few hours.
73.blacked out from drinking: not from drinking
74.played a prank on someone: im a stinker
75.gone to a late night movie: of course! only christian kids dont do that!
76.made love to anything not human: ugh. Drag queens.
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| This is long and dramatic so dont read it if flack will follow. The
dream is sorta gory, but I feel like being honset with the audience
today. This was the story of my strange bad day.
Satruday evening. 7.00-
Sitting in my bed I get lots of consolation thinking about the comming
evening. what to do? what to do? I spent the day by myself. I
checked out several books. two science books, one yoga book, and one
gay literature book. I spent a few hours reading from them all, struck
a few yoga poses.
I am tired. I need amusmant to live. if i dont get it, I shrivel into a
mess of human lump. I decided that my parents wont ever be okay with me
having the kind of fun i want to have, fun that they dont approve of.
they dont trust me, and i dont blame them. but im tired of shaping my
life to make sure they feel comfortable. i've been uncomfortable for
the sake of their comfort. too long, and now that im almost 17
its time to break away. wethere they like it or not.
Im tired of the kind of fun my parents want me to have. Im tried of
ballroom dances and going to operas. Im tired of adult functions and
school functions. Im tired of being able to spend time with my friends
that only my parents know. Im tired of checking in every hour. I HATE
CELL PHONES. if they wernt so convientent id throw mine away. damn.
I needed to get out. I didnt care to do what, i didnt even know.
sometimes I sneak out of my house in the night and just walk around in
the streets. sometiems i just stay in the yard or in the parking lot. I
dont care. its anywhere but home and I love it. Sometimes I go to a
neightborhood or a park and just sit on a bench and feel rain on my
head. sometimes i get a cold. but i love it because its a cold that i
wanted to get in the first place. I dont care if its dangerous. part of
my doesnt care about death. I really dont. if i were to die on one of
my excursions at least i would have been happy.
I recived a call from Theo and Emma at around 6.30 prior to go see a
one man production of Hamlet. Though it was not the kind of fun i
intended to have that evening, i thought that i would go see Hamlet
then sneak out and do whatever i wanted to.
When I told my father I was going to see Hamlet with Emma and Theo he didnt respond happily. no joke.
d- "why do you have to go out?"
j- "Would you rather I stay at home and not do anything?"
d- "yes, but go ahead and do what you want"
no joke thats what was said. as much as i can remember it verbatum.
Emma and Theo came to pick at around 7.20 I flew down the
stairs in a happy rage and sank into the back seat of her car. Theo was
reading Emma "Long Day's Journey into Night". Theo hopped back into the
seat next to me and we read a Edmund / Tyrone scene together. Emma
drove, we read. it was good. It was mildly difficult to find the
theater where we wanted to go. It was small, in a garage. cool.
surrounded by adults... just like my parents would approve of.
Regardless it was fun.
Hamelt was brilliant.
Emma brought me home.
Saturday Evening 10.15
I come home to a sad lump of human that is my father and my sister.
they are watching a TV program and they sit slumped lifeless in the
sofa. no joke. its pathetic. I prance around merrily plotting my
escape.
here is a layout of my house to help you understand the story better
Note that it is all one floor, an appartment, and on the second story.
Saturday Night 11.30
Everyone is asleep. I think. I slip out of bed and lay on the floor in
the hallway listening to the snores of my father and sister. I lay in
the hall motionless for a long time. My clothes are by the door, my
cell phone and wallet are tucked insitde my underwear. I get up. I walk
to the door and open it. The night is silent and cold I place my pants
and shoes on the outside doorstep. Then for reasons I cant explain my
instincts tell me not to do it. So i shut the door, leaving it
unlocked. I go into the living room where my sister sleeps. shes dead
as a rock. I sit there quietly. upright, cross leged. My father stirs
in his room and coughs. I knew something was wrong. He gets up to go to
the bathroom.not seeing me at all. The lights go on, blinding, my
sister stirs. While he is in the bathroom I quietly slip back into my
bed, with my shoes on. My father gets out and turn out the light. I can
hear him scratching himself in the hallway and breathing slowly. He
opens my door slightly and checks on me. I feel like throwing something
at him, but i pretend to be asleep. He goes back to his room and crawls
into bed. I lay on my back wide awake and feel utterly trapped in the
world.
at this point its midnight.
I lay on my back and decide that its not worth it any more so I try to
go to sleep. There is still a bunch of pillows in my bed to make it
look like i was there. I sleep with them and pretend they're a whole
person. one that i snuck into my house. I dont fall asleep untill 1.15
or so.
My sleep is deep and I have a very strange dream. Its halfway between a
sex dream and a nightmare. I dont know what to think of it.
I dreamt that I snuck out of my house and went to an abbandoned cabin
with mattressless wooden bunks. I am with Emma, Ben Byrnes, Max Thayer,
Laura Hays, Myself and Theo Wilson. We go into the house and everything
is washed in blue. We all strip and everyone starts having sex. Max and
Laura are on the bottom bunk making a lot of noise. Max doenst look
like max though, he lookes older, but i know its max. laura is the same
way, only now she has longer hair, but i know its laura. I am on the
top bunk having sex with Theo while Emma is next to Ben in the top bunk
next to us. I can see them. I watch everyone else for a while and Theo
disapears, not like getting out of the bed, i just look over and hes
gone. I lay in the wooden bed, it hurts my back, and I look around. Ben
starts groaning in pain, on his back. Emma is slient, lying there dead.
I look at the bottom bunk and Max and Laura are lying the motionless,
probably dead as well. Its still dark. I see that Ben has a wound the
size of a billiard ball on his shoulder. Probably the cause for his
cries. Then a tall skinny man, whom i dont recognzie, jumps up onto the
top bed and starts to poke Ben's eyes out with a one of theos thing you
keep in your shower to hold shampoo. the white whire things... you know
what im talking about? it hangs on the shower knob or has suctioon cups
to stick to the wall.
I wake up. Its freezing in my room, My body is overheated while my feet
are increadibly cold and I have a raging hard on. I sit up in my bed
and re arrange my pillows so that they arent next to my body, probably
the cause of the overheating. I get out of my bed and look at my alarm
clock. its 3.20. If I had gone out I'd be finishing up and on my way
home about then. I go through the hallway, not caring about not making
noise, and I lock the door and bring my clothes inside. My dad stirs,
and I say to myself "fuck it".
I turn on my computer to see if any new mail has been sent. Dustin sent
me a message saying that in the 5 days from our last date he decided to
get a new boyfriend. It struck me a littel hard. but whatever. I know
that im destined to be single forever. its how i role bitch.
I crawl back into bed and wake up again at 5.45. I go back to sleep and dont wake up untill 11.00.
Sunday Morning 11.00
At this point my father is gone, Kashi is taking a shower and I can
hear her droping things. The bathroom backs up to my room. I make
myself breakfest and turn on the news. nothing good. I eventally take a
shower and get dressed. I take Kashi out to lunch at the Pagoda and
tell her that I was going to sneak out. I dont know why but i did
it anyway. I think I like my sister the most of all the poeple in my
family. no joke. shes annoying and not very responsible at times, but
she would never leave us and I respect that.
We come back home to remember that i lef t my keys in the pocket of my
pants that I was going to wear the night prior. I swear, but Kashi
reminds me that our nepali cousin who live next door has a spare. so we
go there.
when we arrive I find that it is Sudip (my nepali cousin, 23 yrs old)
is having a birthday celebration. The appt is filled with spicy smells
and there is another family there. i sit down and auntie jaya plops a
small dab of ceremonial vermillion on my forhead. she dabs a bit of
yogurt on my temples and then puts some marigold blossoms in my hand.
much like this.
It was way more than i bargained for. and all at once. she gave me some
potatoe pancakes to eat. I looked to Sudip who just noded and said
"they're vegan". I ate them even though I wasnt hungry, from lunch with
Kashi. We eventually left because Kashi had to go to outdoor school.
one hour ago
I tired to nap, not very sucessfully. I turned on my computer again. Dustin sent a message stating this.
Well, it was
a hard choice, but i had to act fast. I didn't know if you liked me or
not and I am not too patient, now i'm starting to ask myself if i did
the right thing.... well.... what if i screwed up a good thing?
...
dustin
It was one of thoes bitter sweet feelings. one hand hes questioning
his actions, that means he must have liked me little, but the other
theres no dustin. whatever. I dont care anymore. pullings a jens on
this one.
Dad called 4 times. I didnt pick it up the first three.
I was just genuinely angry and didnt want to talk. I wiped the yogurt
off my temples but left the vermillion on my forhead, though while I
was typing this i accidentaly wiped it off. On the fourth time my
father called I answered. he asked about Kashi and then told me not to
go anywhere. I hung up before he could finish. just fuming. of course I
wasnt going to go anywhere, but even if that wasnt true, even if I was
planning on going somewhere it feels stupid to tell me not to. my mom
does the opposite, she tells me when its okay to go somewhere. Either
way, I wish they would just leave me alone. Im responisible and I
suppose they think i would leave kashi by herself. bull shit. I would
never leave kashi alone EVER. shes to fragile. I would never neglect to
do anything that I was sworn to do. EVER. so how dare they medle in
what I can and cannot do before i have even decided doing it. I felt
boxed in.
I understand that I live under their roof, I get that. But I have been
doing it obideintly for the past 17 years. Now its my turn. Im gone in
two more years. When I go to college Im going so far far away.
Now
now it is raining. Im sitting in my room. my feet are cold again and I
should be studying. Aria called and invited me out. I said no. NOT
because my father told me not to, but because i didnt want to. somehow
it felt good to say no on my own terms. unaffected by my father. I dont
care what other people say, it was unaffected. both my windows are open
and the air is cold. my feet are cold cold cold. but my lap is warm due
to the computer that sits on it. my hair is messy, my clothes are nice.
I suppose I will study... but know that in the summer i am going to
fight for more freedoms.
the time for ultimatum is now.
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